Healing After Leaving Religion: The Emotional Cost of Belonging and the Long Road Back to Yourself
For those who have left high-control religious environments, the holiday season can stir up old memories, complicated emotions, and questions about belonging. This post is for anyone who has navigated the painful gap between the comfort a faith community once offered and the emotional or spiritual harm that ultimately made leaving necessary. If you’ve ever carried a yearning for the past and hurt in the same breath, or wondered why these experiences still echo years later, you may find pieces of your own story reflected here.
When Familiar Religious Spaces Stir Nostalgia and Emotional Memory
A few weeks ago, I was at a basketball game for my child that happened to take place in the gym of a large evangelical church in Calgary. I felt a wave of nostalgia that took me by surprise, given the many years that have passed since I was a true believer. In that moment, there was something about the physical space that took me back to the feeling of safety and belonging that I had at times when I was fully enmeshed in evangelical Christian culture.
The Cost of Religious Belonging
In the end, the cost of staying in the ‘in-group’ proved to be too high, both psychologically and spiritually. Emotionally, it was a kind of bizarro world, full of extremes that kept me perpetually destabilized. On one hand, there was a kind of overwrought performative emotionality that showed up in the music, the teachings and in social situations where emotional intimacy with total strangers was expected and normalized, in the name of ‘accountability’ and ‘honesty’. On the other hand, there was a set of strict rules that were sometimes spoken, sometimes unspoken, but the consequences to breaking them were severe. If you stepped outside of these boundaries, you risked being cut off from all support and kindness.
Mental Health and Religious Trauma: When You Can’t Make Yourself Fit
So many of us tried to fit our full, complicated, multicoloured selves into a black-and-white binary system. The amount of force and repression required to do so predictably resulted in depression and despair, because every person’s secret shame was that they could not make it fit. Quite a number of friends confided in me that they were taking antidepressants, but did so in secret because they thought it meant they didn’t have enough faith.
Grief, Healing, and Navigating Spiritual Trauma Today
Leaving was necessary, but the cost was high. Lost community, lost friendships, lost rhythms and rituals. It was the right decision, but it still hurts that there was no way to be myself and stay in a relationship with the people who had been such a big part of my life for so long. Heading into the holidays, these memories seem closer as I return to the rituals that were at one time intertwined with my life in the church.
Spiritual Trauma Healing Through Curiosity, Reflection and Reclaiming Your Inner Ground
Perhaps you can relate to this experience and have your own story about the costs of belonging. In January, I will be attending a two-day event in Calgary hosted by Hillary McBride, who wrote Holy Hurt: Understanding Spiritual Trauma and the Process of Healing. In the weeks ahead, I will be reflecting on her book and getting curious about spirituality and emotional well-being in light of spiritual trauma and injury. I invite you to follow along as I do so.
